From being almost dead, to an inspiration for anyone.

Let me start by showing my story how I destroyed and created dead and resurrected.

Although I am an inspirational coach again, successfully training sales representatives and sales managers and in the past even spoke in front of hundreds of people, and made 150.000 - 200.000 euro’s a year, it was not always like that.

Until today I remember vividly how completely broken I was when, I not only lost my company but also my self-esteem and was thrown back as a worthless smooth talking unemployed person.

Dozens of bailiffs came knocking on my door trying to get money from me. I would lay flat on my couch while the doorbell rang and I carefully looked outside to see who was there. Every time they called on me, I was afraid that, this time, they would bring the police and invade my house. 

I was considered jumping from the balcony and run so they couldn´t get me. Various screenplays crossed my mind and in all of them, my body feels like it was ripped apart by hungry wolves, eating the flesh of my bones.

Mr Good vibes

Was this the man in tailor made suits, squandering money in gay bars, driving his Audi Sport as if the world was his?  Had he always been lucky and was this his punishment for non-stop laughing at people who couldn´t take care of themselves?

I remember so well  how one half of the week I would live on peanut butter or jelly sandwiches and the rest of the week I would have boiled egg sandwiches so I would at least have one hot meal. There were times I flipped over my couch hoping to find some lost pennies between the cushions and I considered committing suicide and turn on the stove before I went to sleep so I would´t wake up the next morning.(This I had tried before when I was younger)

Inside I went broken to pieces and I was an inward coward to show my face. In my negative thoughts, I saw my family and friends looked down on me and I no longer attended the weekly parties where I could show off my slick and flashy outfits. A life full of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Voices in my head kept repeating “See what happens?” and fingers pointed towards me “Who’s born to be a dime, will never be a quarter”.

You loser thoughts and the feeling that the audience I used to talk to had all turned against me, laughed at me, and ridiculed me while I sat on a chair in front of them. Now it is up to you, Mr know all. Help yourself Mr Positivity Guru. However, this was my own believe system that was judging me day by day for ten years long.

What happened next, changed my whole life

I became sick in those ten years and I saw that I was losing two pounds per week until I could not walk anymore. I thought it is just a flu, until one of my best friend said; “I have had it with you”, I am calling the doctor. When the doctor was with me, she called right away the ambulance and there I went to a new adventure. My mind said, I am glad I don’t have to do anything anymore, I don’t have to make excuses why I am not progressing, why I am not successful.

When I came in the hospital and saw 5 nurses working with me like I was dying, I could not understand why so much worry. The first two weeks they could not find why I was I such a bad shape.

Bad news

Then 5 specialist came to me after those 2 weeks and told me, we have bad news for you, we have find the problem, you have aids. I say what!! “I did not have any sexual contact in the last 8 months”. They said it must be in your body about 10 years.

Then a silence came over me or maybe I was very shocked. I do not know, but I knew I did not have much longer to live. I could see it in the doctor’s eyes. I was an aids patient and the disease had imploded. Within 2 weeks I was down to 45 kgs (100 lbs), my mouth was sore and I no longer could eat without support. I saw the shocking faces of my family and friends.

I will not end up like Freddy Mercury

Then a day after when I heard the bad news, I saw the Freddy Mercury documentary, and saw myself. My throat squeezed and my whole body panicked. I was dying like Freddy Mercury and could feel the look in the eyes of my relatives. I envisioned myself in a coffin, worms feasting on me later on. On my tomb written, “He tried but couldn’t deal with his success”.

Was this where it would end? I was sick of my own life but could not handle it, because I was afraid to die. My stomach twisted and turned and I feared ending this way. There I was in the hospital hooked on tubes and needles in my nose and arms supplying me with five different antibiotics, 2 liters per day. 

This continued for 5 weeks in which people prayed at my bed frequently. To make a long story short, I regained some strength through prayers and the antibiotics, was discharged and rolled into my friend’s house in a wheel chair.

The love of family and friends is unspeakable

I was home again. Well at my best friend’s home, I mean. I did not have a house anymore.

After a couple of days, I dare to stare in the mirror. I did not believe what I saw. I was a skeleton, no shoulders, butt gone, and no identity left of the person I used to be. `”This is not who I am, nor who I want to be and I don`t want this to continue, I shouted”

I started to eat like hell; I want to come back again. My friend and friends were not judging at all, but helping me to come back again. They made the best meals for me, as I was having personal cooks. It was a great time. So much attention, so much love and so much respect. I can cry right now, if I look back.

I took a decision, to show my story and let people experience how it feels, being almost dead and living in abyss. I looked around how I could regain myself and show the world that I could inspire and show my story. In three months, I was getting better. My doctor could not believe her eyes. She said you are a walking miracle. I laughed inside because she was so proud to show the rest of the doctors, that she helped to make that miracle.

I was able to find work from my friends and could hold my own ground, gained weight up to 70 kgs (155 lbs) and started selling solar panels and saw that I still could do it and starting teaching other people to sell. I had such great results that my friends said, we do not know how you do it, but this results We have never seen.

From that moment, I feel honored, special, strong and my life starting to change the right way. I studied selling from the heart and a 90 day mastering yourself.

Is this for real?

I transformed not only the way of selling but also the people I work with. To my surprise, people with no selling skills became successful with it. Is this for real I thought, not changing scripts, but changing people’s life?

I became more self-assured. I want more of this, I thought. On the internet, I came across the teachings of Abraham Hicks. How you can have a better relationship with your inner being/spirit.

All the things she teach, was like food for my heart. Everything resonated with me and I start believing it. I listen now for almost a year and it really have opened my eyes, inward and outward. I want to do the same as she does. Speaking for millions of people and help them to better their relationship with themselves.

In the morning, I had my sessions, meditate, and every time I had the feelings of peace, comfort and living in paradise. I became a learning machine and practicing it to myself, and if it really works, I am going to do that.

Few things I did, YOU CAN DO!

·1) I started with meditation (15 minutes per day)so I could better listen to my intuition/inner being/god
 2) I changed my believe system and shifted the false believes out.
 3) I I saw my work as a springboard to my real passion, speaking, teaching, inspiring for the whole world.
 4) I became more away of the beautiful things in life and learned to be more grateful in an active way.
 5) I found out WHY I do the things I do.

Why a piece of this Life Story?

I would like you to know that everything is possible for whoever wants to live life to the fullest and not live the life of a zombie. I continued creating and learning, despite of all my debts. I went looking for the true me. I worked on a true relationship with myself.

In other words, live from your heart and do the things that make you feel good, and not have yourself screwed up by whatever other people think of you. Take time to listen to your heart carefully and pursue the impulses that surface from time to time. Look for inspiration and find out what makes your clock tick and why you get up in the morning. Continue working on the relationship with the inner you.

Find your own belief system 

However, do not do what I did. You have to find your own belief system, your own guide system inside. Do whatever that excites you and lean on that. Be serious at your emotions, because they will tell you if you are cold or hot.

This way I became internally inspired, but this time with a storehouse full of experiences. I dream again of full rooms inspiring people to get the best out of themselves. Because if you become the best version of yourself you will always attract people. This is impossible if you are a ´poor´ thinker. You first need to see and feel where you want to be before you can get there at all.

The Present

I am perfectly healthy and stronger than ever. I make a living; live in a beautiful apartment in Harderwijk, the Netherlands. I have a 2014 Mini Cooper and am respected for who I am. Am I out of the woods completely?  Let me say it this way: I am on the right track. 

A journey full of fun, personal development, dreams and a heart that inspires others to stand up. In 10 years, I went through hell and rose from the death of my own thinking. I broke my patterns of negative thoughts and live a life full of prosperity. 

Prospering in thoughts, feelings, experiences and thinking from love, and following the heart, because the heart only stops beating when you are very dead.

With love

Mariën van Raan (mister spark)

IN-INSPIRED